mystery boxes that technically count as gambling

If you know me (which I imagine you must at least a little bit to even be here), you know of my attraction to fun retro dresses that come in wild prints and usually involve crinolines. I should buy stock in Modcloth, because I'm pretty sure I spend way too much time on that website.

With that in mind, here's a little-known fact about me: I most definitely have the potential to become addicted to gambling. I specifically avoid situations that involve games of chance unless I know the stakes aren't actually that high, but even then...well, let's just say it still sort of shows. Marcus took me on a double date to Amazing Jake's once, and I spent all of my tokens on that machine where the wheel is spinning and you try to knock the other coins off. I was glued to that thing for the better part of an hour trying to figure out the right angles to maximize my winnings--and I kept saying (out loud) "okay, one more, then I'm done with this ridiculous game." (I ended up hitting the jackpot on my last token and won literally eight hundred tickets, which is not really setting a good example, but I digress.)

There's something about taking a small risk that just appeals to me. In fact, I think most of us can attest to that, because this Stylish Surprise event that Modcloth put out was so huge it broke the website for a little bit. For anyone who hasn't tried it before, you can order (depending on whether you get there in time) a mystery box full of apparel, shoes, accessories or "apartment" items. They changed the prices, so this particular round only cost $10 for clothes or shoes--it used to be $15, so that's really not too bad. The deal is, they send you a completely random item. Some people get exceedingly lucky and receive boxes of dresses that originally sold for hundreds of dollars. The rest of us...well, we get stories like this one. 

I've never actually gotten a Stylish Surprise that I liked. You'd think after the first (maybe second) time trying it, I'd learn to just keep my money. Unfortunately, $10 is just cheap enough that you think "well, not a whole lot's not worth at least ten bucks! Why not give it another try? I've already gotten some really ugly stuff, so logically, that means I'm due for a good haul any day now!"

Now we're going to talk about what happens when you give in to that urge to purchase a mystery box.  

This thing happens. By the way, the front was entirely ripped. I thought it was just part of the dress until my mom was like, "Katie, that's torn."

Now, I'm not sure exactly who's reading this. Depending on your personality, I guess you could be sitting there thinking, "come on, Katie, it's not that bad. That shade of mint is actually sort of refreshing when paired with those drunken stripes."

I thought you might be skeptical, so for research purposes, I actually donned the garment in question.

In my defense, the moccasins kind of make the outfit.

When I came into the kitchen with this on, everyone literally stopped eating because they had to focus their full attention on laughing. Marcus commented that my new dress looked quite a lot like maternity wear. Again, for research purposes, I had to see what this was all about. 

As it happened, he was correct. Using the melon from the previous picture, I was able to conclude that this would absolutely serve as a suitable maternity dress for someone who didn't mind looking like one of those Icee's they sell at the movies. I don't think I've ever heard my mom laugh so hard. My dog, as seen in the bottom corner of the photograph, was horrendously offended by my outfit and actually did bark at me until I took it off.

In closing, Modcloth has figured out a very effective gambling system. Should I probably give up on it? Yes, absolutely. Will I participate again? I mean, probably. It's like they can sense when you're having a long day at work or a bad week or something. The timing on these events is impeccable. When I bought this one, I was literally sitting on my break thinking, "Jesus, this day is endless--oh, no way, they marked Stylish Surprises down to $10?!" 

All that aside, it's sort of a fun little thing to do if you have an extra $10 laying around (assuming you only choose to buy one, I guess--some friends of mine really stock up, and I have to admire their fortitude). I was happy to share my own personal results from this round because, well, if you're ever feeling down about something, just remember you don't ever have to wear this dress.

I will say, I have officially been surprised.

true love: musings on motherhood

I think about writing posts a lot, but whenever I start to, I think, "well, it's been so long anyway...why bother?" This morning, I decided that if I was ever going to get more consistent with anything, I'd better actually follow through with it.

That said, let's just hop in and talk about something important that comes up exceedingly often in my line of work. If you can't tell by now that this is something that's been bothering me for awhile, you'll figure it out here in about three seconds.

For better and worse, working in childcare changes you. In no time at all, you become okay with a lot of things you never thought you would be. Kids are sort of exhibitionists in that they'll just waltz out of the bathroom, undercrackers at their ankles, and casually inform you that they went to the movies this weekend. You stop flinching when someone sneezes right in your face. When there's a giant bug in the room and everyone screams--you too, on the inside--you calmly whisk it outside or trap it with a tissue. You grow up in some really subtle (but significant) ways. You learn that you can absolutely fall in love with a child that isn't yours.

It can be a wonderful experience. I'm especially grateful that I came into this field because I've learned a lot about love and patience. You learn to multitask like you never could before when seventeen kids at a time are waving their shoes or juiceboxes at you with immediate urgency. The smallest gestures suddenly mean the world (like when that one really reserved little girl who hates being touched opts to come hold your hand). However, this time in my life has also affirmed something that (if I'm being honest) I've already known for awhile.

Here it comes, so don't read any more if you think this is going to change anything between us.

I don't think I was put on this earth to be a mother.

There. Pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, the simplicity of the situation seems to end right about there. While I don't openly project my thoughts on the matter, the question of "doesn't this make you want you want your own?!" is thrust at me on a daily basis. This is especially prone to happening right when one of my little ones approaches me for a hug or I get caught dancing to "Frozen" songs with them. The person in question's face lights up and I know it's coming.

"Doesn't this job just make it so hard to wait to have one?"

Honestly, out of politeness and a desire to let the subject go, I generally just give a vague response and have it end there. In an ideal setting, that would just happen every time. Unfortunately, some people are quite adept at sensing hesitation and will pursue the matter anyway.

Now, we're going to talk about some of the more memorable responses I've gotten from these bewildering people who (I'm convinced) are on personal crusades to make sure everyone gets a baby. This is absolutely not to say I would ever judge anyone else for having a child--I feel like you should take care of you, and if a baby makes you happy, then by all means, have one and love that child with all your heart. Some of my closest friends are mothers and wouldn't change a thing--and you know what, you go, girls. I'm only speaking from my own personal experiences and desires.

"Oh, it's different when it's your kids--you work with other peoples' kids all day. You'll change your mind!" 
I would actually argue that working with a large number of children on the daily has given me a pretty unique perspective. No two kids are the same, and I get to experience a veritable cornucopia of them all. Some are naturally sunny, and others are legitimately ornery despite their young age. Even with such a generous sample size, I have to disagree. I don't feel that this argument, on its own, warrants procreating.

"You're still pretty young. You don't know what you want yet. You'll change your mind!" 
I'm going to be honest, this argument freaks me the fuck out. As an assistant preschool teacher, I spend time with a lot of little girls. A sizable chunk of that time involves playing with them. I can't express how many times one of the girls has come up to me with a baby doll and gone on excitedly about being a mommy. Do you know how anyone within a five-mile radius responds to that? "Oh, how sweet! She already knows she wants to be a mommy! She's going to be so good at it someday!" We live in a society where a three-year-old girl who is still discovering herself and can't decide if her name is Elsa or Rapunzel today will be taken more seriously (and encouraged) for expressing inclination toward motherhood than someone in their early 20's rejecting the notion who's had time to experience life and think about it. You look at me and tell me something isn't wrong with that.

"I didn't think I wanted kids either, but now I have (x) and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I was exactly like you in every way, and I still ended up becoming a mom, so you will too! You'll change your mind!" 
Sincerely, congratulations. I'm never going to look down on you for following the path that was right for you. However, as soon as you shove your own experiences at me as justification for being invasive about my personal choices, I draw the line. No two people are the same, and what works for one is certainly not guaranteed to work for the other. While it certainly is true that some people are hesitant at first and come into motherhood happily after all, if I'm not starting out 100% for having a child, I'd rather not take the chance. That's my decision, and I would never insist anyone did the same! Please do me the same courtesy.

"But what about Marcus? What about his family? He's an only child, so if you don't have kids, you're taking away their only chance for grandchildren. That's selfish!" 
My god. The first time someone said this out loud to me, I legitimately didn't know how to respond. I think I said something to the effect of "What about Marcus? He knows!" I was very clear about my feelings on this early in our relationship, and he decided to stay along for the ride anyway. We've discussed it extensively (obviously, I'd prefer he moved on if this was a non-negotiable issue!) and he's fine with it. As for his parents, I recently came out to them about this, and his mom's answer especially has stuck with me for months. As we sat there in the parking lot of the grocery store, she said, "We love you for who you are! I raised my son to know that he might someday be with a woman who wanted nontraditional things out of life. It makes absolutely no sense for me to project any potential desire for grandchildren onto you and your body. If I ever felt like I "needed" grandchildren, I'd just go be a nanny or buy a dog or something. I would never want you to do anything you didn't want to do, especially because a child is a lifelong commitment and you have to be sure about it. Now, let's hug and go buy some Bailey's." I don't like feeling like I need to justify any of that to anyone to begin with, but the immediate people concerned are all aware of the situation and seem to be fine with it. Beyond that, I fail to see how it affects people who decide to bring this up anyway.

"But you'd be such a good mom! Why would you put that potential to waste? That's selfish!"
I don't doubt that I'd be a good mom, actually. I love my kids, and I try to use a lot of the methods I remember enjoying from my mom to teach and play with them. However, I also have a lot of qualities that aren't immediately suited to parenting. I'm easily overwhelmed and I get impatient quickly. While I try not to show it (because honestly, they're children!), I spend a fair amount of time irate because when I become tired or frustrated, I tend to favor quiet, and kids are very loud by nature. They are also incredibly demanding and are largely inwardly focused at this age. Is this wrong? Well, no, they're three. They're learning about the world around them--it still hasn't occurred to most of them that others around them have feelings and needs just like theirs. My job is to teach them that! It's exhausting. I love it, but I also get to be done at the end of the day--which is good, because at this present juncture, I wouldn't be able to handle any more. I feel like if you opt to have a child, you sort of owe it to them to be willing to put them first. I'm not. But I know that. That's part of my conscious decision to not bring a child into the world--it wouldn't be fair to do it if it wasn't going to be my first priority. As an aside, I feel like I have the potential to become a lot of fulfilling things. It gets to a point where you have to choose. Nobody's complaining about how I might end up wasting the potential to become a successful baker or florist, so...

"But your kids would be so cute! Especially if you had a daughter--she could wear bows just like you! How can you not want that?!" 
What?! This is how I can sort of tell that someone's running out of things to say. Do you know what else is cute? My puppy is fucking adorable. She has an underbite for days and her little butt sways when she walks. She clearly thinks she's royalty. She's also a living thing with needs and she requires constant maintenance. She's eaten things she shouldn't have before and gotten violently sick. She's gotten trapped under things, tried to make a break for it when someone's taking the garbage out, and she has this special ability to step right on your face even in total darkness. Daisy is a complete handful. When we made the decision to adopt her, her cuteness had almost nothing to do with it. We had to decide after months of research if we were truly financially and emotionally ready to handle a new member of the family. When we finally were, we took her home--and the learning curve was exhausting. We love that little Shih Tzu, but it would have been a terrible decision and completely unfair to her to adopt her just because she was "SO cute!" and not have a plan beyond that. My point is, she's a dog. She isn't going to grow up to talk (to my knowledge, anyway) and go out into the world and eventually become a functional adult. It isn't my responsibility to teach her about life, love and sexuality. I'm just sort of there to provide for her needs and fawn over her a little bit. A child would be an even bigger decision, cute or not. (Side note: if I had a son, he could just as easily wear bows as a girl could, okay?)

It sort of says something, I think, that this started off as one thought and became a novel. There's a ton more to say on this subject, but this is the condensed version that I read and reread a thousand times. It is appalling to me that, for times considered to be so modern, a woman would be met with so much opposition for rejecting the notion of motherhood. Still, here we are--it gets tiring! I can only feign politeness so long when people try to make my personal life their business. I'm going to be 22 soon--22! I'm not even technically in my mid-twenties yet and I still get comments from people at work about how I'm not getting any younger, so what's the holdup? It's so conflicting, because you go through this really awkward phase between about twelve and eighteen where you're a total disgrace if you get pregnant (but you're not allowed to opt of it, because you're being punished for your sexuality by being forced into motherhood)--and then you hit your 20's and bam! Everyone wants to know where you're hiding all these babies you were supposed to have started having by now. Get married (or not) when you want. Have children (or not!) when you want. I don't care how old you were when you had your kids if you're a loving parent who tries their best. By that same token, it should matter exactly zero percent to you where I am in my life and whether my plan involves children.

Spoiler alert, it really doesn't.

If it makes you feel better (which, honestly, it shouldn't, because this concerns you not at all) to think that I could technically change my mind, okay. I may or may not fight you on it depending on how important you are to me. I've had people very close to me express disappointment when I've shared my thoughts with them. It's upsetting, but it isn't going to make me feel any differently to be guilt-tripped and argued with. Do I wish people would just realize that their lives are in no way impacted by what I do with my body? Sure, that's why I wrote this. It's not something I'm ashamed of, so it shouldn't be something anyone wants to make me feel guilty about. It still stings a little bit when someone tries, but it is what it is. I'm confident enough in how I feel in my heart to be able to stand up to the criticism I encounter on an almost daily basis.

It's a battle I certainly wish nobody had to fight, but that's not going to change if we all just stay quiet about it.

On that note, I'm going to end my tirade here. My point has mostly been made, and my thoughts have mostly been translated.

If you made it this far, thanks for understanding. I'll still watch your kids for you--and, for what it's worth, I do a pretty kick-ass Elsa braid.

{ traveling cupcake : house-hunting }

House hunting is probably one of the most underrated pastimes ever.

Earlier today, we visited the downtown area in hopes of touring some of the vintage shops. Unfortunately, everything was closed on Mondays. We got some lunch anyway (the place we went had some delicious sandwiches!) and just went home for a little bit. Later, my aunt decided we should drive around some of the neighborhoods in Milford to check out houses for sale, and I ended up having a blast with her and my mom. We saw four or five houses that my mom expressed serious interest in--they'll probably be asking for showings later this week after I've gone back to Arizona. Mom's promised to send me a lot of pictures, since we couldn't actually see inside any of the houses. (We peeked in some windows, but that didn't really give us a lot to go off of.) There were also a lot of schools in the area, so in a month or two I'll probably be sending some resumes their way! 

I love the idea of a five-minute commute. I got sort of spoiled at my current job. Anything more than a mile away is too far! 

The plan is to go home tomorrow (sadly), though that might have to be delayed if the weather is still looking stormy or if the flights all fill up. (Good part about flying standby: it's cheaper. Bad part: you might get stuck someplace.) My aunt thinks the flights aren't looking good for me, so I might actually end up here for an extra day. I don't mind, I just get really anxious about not coming back when I say I will--though I did warn my work in advance that this situation could happen. They seemed all right with it as long as I let them know what was going on. 

We'll see.

Anyway, we're all getting excited to live here as this seems to become more of a reality. Sometimes moving can sort of seem like it's so far off in the distance, it's not even really worth worrying about yet. It might even feel like it won't end up happening--house hunting made it feel like we were really coming along from just having this be something we talk about casually.

I can't wait to see what house my mom picks! 

{ traveling cupcake : jungle jim's }

Hello from Ohio!

I accompanied my mom on a little trip out here--she'll be staying awhile, but I'll need to go back for work before too long. Still, I was able to get a bit of time off. We decided it might be a nice idea to come out to Ohio and house-hunt for a few days (well, Mom will be at it for a lot longer. She's also got some promising job prospects out here!) before we actually moved here. The way my family tends to procrastinate on big events like this, it was probably a good plan to get started now.

That said, today my aunt and one of my cousins decided they needed to show me this mysterious store they kept talking about called Jungle Jim's. (At first I thought it was one of those places where you could rent bounce houses--my second guess was a further-east version of the Rainforest Cafe). Turns out, it was neither! Jungle Jim's is the biggest, most diverse international market I've ever been to. I wanted to live there! 

I probably could have taken about sixty more pictures of the exciting foods I came across, but I figured I already looked pretty tourist-y taking any to begin with. (Not that I minded, I guess, since I sort of am a tourist right now.) To summarize, I saw innumerable spices that will now need to be purchased for my cabinets. Seriously, I don't even want to think about how many curry recipes I could try with the correct seasonings. Even at Sprouts, which has a pretty wide selection of out-there spices, I usually just had to substitute something different when I was experimenting with international cooking. There were adorably-packaged snacks (which I picked up for Marcus), great prices on produce and about a thousand samples. My cousin and I took turns pointing out the little counters when we could find them. Off the top of my head, I think we tried salsa, pierogies, cheese, a cheesecake spread on little cookies and dumplings. They only gave you little bite-sized pieces of everything, so it was pretty tempting to try to go back for more!

I also got to try a really interesting drink called...rum-chata? I don't actually recall very well what the lady called it, but it was a churro-flavored alcoholic beverage. The exchange was pretty funny, actually.

Katie: Do you have samples here?

Lady: Uhm...well, yes, there's some cheese!
Katie: Do you have drink samples?
Lady: ....Yyeeeess...
Katie: ...I'm 21, want to see?
Lady: Yes!
Katie: I thought you might.
Lady: It's just that...well...you're so cute! Look at your little cupcake hat! You look about seventeen. Do you hear that a lot? I bet you do. Do you hate it? I bet you really do. I used to, but now nobody says it to me anymore.
Katie: ...is there a limit to how much of that I'm allowed to "sample"?

The drink was actually really good. And no, I don't actually believe I minded too much about her comments. I think I decided a little bit ago to just lean into it. People think I'm seventeen? Might as well wear the cupcake hat and enjoy myself. 

Which I did!

I can't wait to live here. My kitchen's going to be so packed. 

{ the vitamin store }

Does anyone else identify with being on a never-ending quest to try out new products? My situation is slightly different--I'm just always on the hunt for the ingredients. 

Product-hopping has never been hugely successful for me. As it happens, I have very fussy hair and skin. (I could see how that'd be sort of a good thing; in theory I'd never buy anything I knew I couldn't use. In reality, however, my cabinet is full of things that have been used exactly twice. I feel weird about returning used conditioner, so I just sort of let it be down there for a thousand years or I regift it to my mom.) 

Over time, my focus shifted to trying to make my own skin and hair products. That's been much more successful. If you can believe it, it's cheaper, too--which means I get to try out way more ideas before running out of money. (Seriously, I've seen conditioner for $40 before. Will it turn my hair into spun gold? If so, perhaps I should actually stop writing this and go purchase a bottle.) I was actually thinking about writing a post about the "recipes" I've tried so far later this week, mostly on the off chance that anyone with similar issues happens to be reading this! A lot of the ones I use right now seem to be quite gentle while still effective, which can be entirely helpful for someone who struggles with being easily irritated.

On the day I took these pictures, I happened to end up at the vitamin store with my mom. Apparently, that's her new favorite place to hang out because she's gravitating toward homeopathic remedies for some of her health issues. I got to come along while she scoped out some Calm tea (proceed on that stuff with caution, by the way) and it turned out to be a gold mine of things to try out! I picked up some organic shampoo and conditioner along with a small bottle of emu oil. I was a little skeptical at first, but I've been experimenting with quite a few oils over the last few months and was curious about this one.

It was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm excited to see what else I can do with it!

It also didn't hurt that this vitamin store was located in the cutest plaza ever. It's part of a bunch of little local shops, and they're all set up in this pastel yellow Victorian-looking house. The whole area used to be full of places like that, but they've all shut down in recent years. Across the street, there used to be a similar, smaller house that sold fantastic ice cream. Mom and I were hoping to find some, but it had evidently been out of business for some time. We walked around to see what else there was; unfortunately, all we found was an olive oil shop and an expensive-looking photography studio. My mom was nice enough to take some pictures of my new dress for me, though!

Dress: Seashell We Dance? (swap, sold on Modcloth for awhile!)

Belt: It's actually just a long strip of lace.
Shoes: Chelsea Crew

I'm excited to try coming up with more posts--some days, it seems like it's difficult to think of anything to talk about that would be remotely interesting to anyone. Still, I'm eager to share the results of the emu oil and hair products with everyone, along with some of my favorite recipes. What products have you found that worked best for you? I love hearing from people who aren't hindered by sensitivity--some of the available options out there look like they can do great things for your hair and skin!

{ my new toy }

Today, I bought a sewing machine!

This one.

I'm not going to lie, I was heavily influenced by the aesthetic. It's an anniversary edition, so the style is a little bit more vintage-inspired than the other ones I was looking at. It wasn't the deciding factor (entirely), but I did settle on this one and it is now in my possession.

I'm a little bit nervous about learning how to use it. I grew up hearing my grandma use a lot of sewing jargon (to this day I'm unsure what the term "basting" refers to), but she wasn't able to teach me a whole lot while we were together. I'm sure it's very complicated for someone new to sewing, but I can only hope that it gets easier with practice.

It had better, because I might have already ordered fabric to play with.

Well, I did get some clearance cotton from JoAnn's to practice with before I use anything I really love. At $2 a yard, I'm okay with having a few missteps.

With luck, there will soon be stylish, handmade dresses coming my way.

Or a lot of cursing.

Probably a little bit of both.

resolutions

Hello!

I hate to admit this, but I sort of lost interest in doing this sometime in November. I've enjoyed reading some of my favorite blogs' recaps of their eventful 2013's (and their compilations of lovely outfits to go with them!) and sadly, I haven't got a lot of that to my own to contribute. Still, I thought it'd be nice to come back on the night of the new year and talk about how I'd like that to change!

All right, let's see.

• Acquire a sewing machine and become proficient with it. Following this, make thousands of adorable skirts and dresses from inexpensive printed fabrics and impress all the three-year-old students with them. 
• Put that gorgeous camera my grandmother gave me to more use. I love the convenience of my iPhone, but I feel like I could stand to do a little better.
• Continue pilates! That's a really fun new discovery I made late in the year that I hope I keep up with forever. 
• Use those sweet new bread and tartlet pans I bought in Seattle. They're beautiful.
• Put all the kitchen applicances I was gifted with to even more use--come up with even more healthy, fun recipes to feed my very hungry family with! First on the list are breakfast foods (read: waffles with fruit and pancakes), breads and curries. 
• Set some money aside to take a real trip someplace overseas.
• Write.
• Follow through.

That last one is a big deal for me lately. Sometime this year--I suppose around the time my grandma got sick--I realized that I tend to do a lot of complaining and wishful thinking. To clarify, I was exactly the type of person to want to do something and then lament that I hadn't later on. ("Well, I could have entered that contest/written that story/participated in that event, but x/y/z got in the way...) 

Excuses.

Somewhere along the line, I made the decision to follow through. Anything I said I was going to do had to be done on principle. Surprisingly, a lot of things happened that probably wouldn't have otherwise. I did enter a pretty big contest (never mind that I didn't win! I still did it!), I wrote and read my grandma's eulogy, and I completely overhauled a lot of unhealthy tendencies, food-related and otherwise, going on in my household. It's sort of exciting to think about how many things can happen just because you've already decided they're going to.

I can't state definitively that I will become exactly who I want to be just by making these changes in my life. I can mostly just decide that this is all going to happen anyway and see what happens. Hopefully, the result will be good. 

The same can be said for the upcoming bread recipes. 

I'm thinking cinnamon raisin to start with, but I did see a pretty intriguing pumpkin recipe out there as well...

If I do as I say and follow through, I'll have a ton to show you soon. 

To anyone who has read this far, happy 2014.