resolutions

Hello!

I hate to admit this, but I sort of lost interest in doing this sometime in November. I've enjoyed reading some of my favorite blogs' recaps of their eventful 2013's (and their compilations of lovely outfits to go with them!) and sadly, I haven't got a lot of that to my own to contribute. Still, I thought it'd be nice to come back on the night of the new year and talk about how I'd like that to change!

All right, let's see.

• Acquire a sewing machine and become proficient with it. Following this, make thousands of adorable skirts and dresses from inexpensive printed fabrics and impress all the three-year-old students with them. 
• Put that gorgeous camera my grandmother gave me to more use. I love the convenience of my iPhone, but I feel like I could stand to do a little better.
• Continue pilates! That's a really fun new discovery I made late in the year that I hope I keep up with forever. 
• Use those sweet new bread and tartlet pans I bought in Seattle. They're beautiful.
• Put all the kitchen applicances I was gifted with to even more use--come up with even more healthy, fun recipes to feed my very hungry family with! First on the list are breakfast foods (read: waffles with fruit and pancakes), breads and curries. 
• Set some money aside to take a real trip someplace overseas.
• Write.
• Follow through.

That last one is a big deal for me lately. Sometime this year--I suppose around the time my grandma got sick--I realized that I tend to do a lot of complaining and wishful thinking. To clarify, I was exactly the type of person to want to do something and then lament that I hadn't later on. ("Well, I could have entered that contest/written that story/participated in that event, but x/y/z got in the way...) 

Excuses.

Somewhere along the line, I made the decision to follow through. Anything I said I was going to do had to be done on principle. Surprisingly, a lot of things happened that probably wouldn't have otherwise. I did enter a pretty big contest (never mind that I didn't win! I still did it!), I wrote and read my grandma's eulogy, and I completely overhauled a lot of unhealthy tendencies, food-related and otherwise, going on in my household. It's sort of exciting to think about how many things can happen just because you've already decided they're going to.

I can't state definitively that I will become exactly who I want to be just by making these changes in my life. I can mostly just decide that this is all going to happen anyway and see what happens. Hopefully, the result will be good. 

The same can be said for the upcoming bread recipes. 

I'm thinking cinnamon raisin to start with, but I did see a pretty intriguing pumpkin recipe out there as well...

If I do as I say and follow through, I'll have a ton to show you soon. 

To anyone who has read this far, happy 2014. 

a light has gone out of my life

Grandma--top right--with her mother and kids (there's my mom with the black hair!)

This week, my grandmother lost her battle to pancreatic cancer. Some of you might remember briefly hearing about this back in October, when we first found out and still hoped it'd been caught early enough.

Given that this is not exactly the best place to disclose too many details, I won't go much into her last few weeks. Suffice it to say that while she was indeed in a lot of pain and spent a lot of time sad or afraid, she still actively maintained a positive attitude and never wanted anyone else to worry about her. For awhile, I invented different flavors of smoothies to bring her, and when she was still eating, she requested a lot of baked goods. I practically sprinted home every night to make her whatever she asked for, but she didn't end up actually finishing a whole lot of it.

There's been a lot of grief. I would even admit that most of it probably hasn't hit me in full force yet. However, my grandma wasn't the kind of lady who wanted anyone to dwell on unhappiness. Having said that, I think anyone reading this deserves to know exactly what kind of woman she was.

My grandmother always said her greatest hope was to see her daughters and granddaughters grow up to be ladies who also knew when to curse like sailors.

She always had enough food in her kitchen for anyone who was visiting--and if she didn't, she practically teleported to the nearest Asian market to go get some more.

She was a banging mother. I'm not even remotely doing her justice here, but she spent years as a single, hardworking mom with four kids in a country that wasn't hers--and she refused help from her well-off relatives because (in her words) she was too proud and wanted to make her life herself.

She was always running around in her little trademark straw fedoras. For her birthday one year, Marcus and I each bought her new ones. Jesus, she loved those hats. If it wasn't hats, it was colorful hair clips. Accessorizing runs in the family.

She was an unbelievably strong lady. Her life reads like a damn Univision soap opera, except all of it actually happened. She went through some serious adversity. I would even argue she was still going through a lot of it before cancer even became present in her life. I never heard her being negative or down on herself--she waved everything off and said it wasn't worth the fuss.

She said I had her face, and she loved that. She always called me her mini-me to anyone she introduced me to. After she did, my mom said "you have so much of her in you" and cried.

She was unbelievably crass. Seriously, appearance-wise, she fit the textbook definition of a sweet old Spanish grandmother, but the things that came out of her mouth were insane. I couldn't get enough. She somehow managed to relate to everyone because she never acted like she was above them--she had the raunchy vocabulary to prove it, too.

My grandma was universally compassionate and loving. She could make anyone feel like the most important person in the world to her--and so many people adored her. She had so much room in her heart for everyone, and it would be arrogant to assume you came first in her life because of it. We never minded, of course--knowing anyone, much less a person you're related to, who has that much capability to love, is an incredible gift. I don't care how many people thought of her as their grandma even if they weren't related to us. She probably felt just like one, and I love that. 

She knew everyone. Seriously. If she didn't, she at least found common ground with them. I can't tell you how many times we'd be grocery shopping when she ran into someone with an accent she recognized. She'd proceed to engage them in Tagalog and carry on a full, enthusiastic conversation. She had connections out the wazoo, and I finally just decided to go through life assuming she did know everyone in our immediate proximity rather than not.

We used to fight about the way I wanted to dress. I remember clearly, for my first homecoming dance, I just wanted to wear a conservative dress with sleeves, and in the middle of Kohl's, we had an argument about it. "No granddaughter of mine is going to a school dance dressed like that!" she declared, waving the sequined, strappy, ass-grazing number she favored for me instead. "You're going to show off what you've got, young lady! If you've got it, you'd better flaunt it!" I can almost guarantee very few similar arguments have ever occurred between a grandmother and a granddaughter. This continued until I came into myself over the years and eventually transitioned into a style I felt more comfortable in (which now includes a lot of printed dresses). 

Following that, in her last few weeks, she'd always want to be touching me or my clothing. I got into the habit of wearing her favorite dresses, then laying down next to her. From her little bed, she'd play with the patterns on my tights or dresses and smile for an hour at a time.

I could go on for hours about the things that made this woman someone I was lucky to be able to grow up near. So much of who I am is because of her. I probably can't even begin to guess how many people in the world consider themselves lucky to know her.

It hasn't hit me all the way yet. The hole in my life no longer being filled by her presence feels like a dream to me still. I keep thinking that if I just dial her phone number, she'll answer me like always.

I can't say when this is going to become more of an immediate reality to me. I've never experienced a death of a loved one before, and this was kind of like losing my queen in the beginning of a chess game. There's never going to be a way to replace her--not that I'd ever want to.

I only hope I was able to do her justice and appreciate her enough while she was here. I let her know all the time how much I loved her and wanted to be near her, but somehow I still wonder if it was enough.

If she was sitting here, she'd probably have smacked me in the arm by now, rolled her eyes, and told me to stop it already.

Jesus, we all loved her so much.

The hospice worker told us to say "see you later" instead of "goodbye", because we had every reason to believe we'd see her again someday. I don't know where I stand on that, but I sincerely hope it's true, because I'd give anything to have her back.

Wherever she is, I hope she's unimaginably happy. Someone like her deserves nothing less.

on the move

yellow skirt - Forever 21 (old)

royal blue shirt - Loft

red cardigan - Target (old)

argyle tights - Ross

boots - Steve Madden Troopa Boots

I started off channeling my inner Snow White, and somehow ended up thinking about life and the concept of "home". 

It is challenging to be content with where you are when you don't want to be there. My family moved to Arizona almost a decade ago, and in truth I've never much liked it here. It was a striking change from the city of Caracas, where we had been living for almost three years. There was a significant amount of political unrest occurring at the time, and the military found it necessary to send some of the personnel stationed at the embassy back to the States for awhile. Through some process I know very little about, we ended up in Tucson for a few months while things calmed down. When our tour in South America was over, we moved briefly to California and then straight back to Arizona. In my time here, I've lived all over the state, going as far north as Flagstaff. (That was my favorite, but it was built around the college and the general consensus is that it's quite boring if you're not actually going to school there.) 

I am very much of the belief that you are a product of your environment. Growing up in the service has shaped my perspective to be ready to move on after a few years of being in one place. Imagine being on standby for nearly ten years after a lifetime of that! Going up to Flagstaff for college helped briefly, but in my heart I know I need to be doing more than that. Many of the people I've met here seem to enjoy the desert and are content to stay here, and I've struggled for the latter half of my life to make peace with it. Anyone who knows me is familiar with my incessant griping about why I do not wish to be here. It's a difficult balance to keep--I certainly don't want to offend anyone's home by going on about why I don't particularly care for it, but I also can't bring myself to feel enthused about it the way they are.

Now there are rumors surfacing within my home of a near-future move across the country. If moving back overseas is my first choice, relocating East is a close second. I cannot describe how excited I am at the prospect of being someplace like that. The circumstances are less than ideal, but my family seems to be ready to say their farewell to Arizona. While there are still some months yet before this will take place, I find myself eagerly looking forward and trying to actively find ways to be appreciative of this place while I'm still here at the same time. 

Most days, I feel like a very demanding rosebush--you can plant me in the desert if you're really determined to, but no matter what you do I'm probably never going to grow as happily or naturally as a cactus would. I respect that this is home to some people, but for me, it never will be. Truthfully, I can't say whether I'll ever establish roots anyplace; I'm happiest on the move. 

I can't wait to be on my way.

long time, no sea!

(Sorry, I had to. It's been a long week, and I enjoy puns far too much to ever let something like that go.)

Today was my first go using the new tripod. Marcus was nice enough to sit at the park reading his book while I twirled around on the bridge and tried not to fall into the lake. I was so excited to finally wear my new dress! Lately, I've noticed myself gravitating more and more toward longer skirts. For awhile, I wouldn't wear anything longer than your standard Forever 21-length dresses, so it's sort of interesting how much that's changing. As someone with a stature of only about 5'3, this is slightly alarming because anything below the knee tends to be hit or miss for me. If a skirt falls past my calves, there's a good chance it wasn't meant for me (or it was, and just I need to find myself a tailor!)

Luckily, I don't think this particular dress is going to need any kind of alterations. I'm very fond of how long it is even though it originally took some getting used to. It's very pretty in person (runs a full size small, though!), and as anyone who knows me is well aware, I'll take any nautical garments I can get my hands on. This was a welcome addition to my collection. I'd been after it since I first discovered Modcloth, but it recently went on a flash sale and I finally decided to quit fawning over it online and just get the thing already. Now I just need to find a way to help transition it into colder weather...I'm thinking white tights and some ankle boots, but given that the dress is long and full, I'm not sure how well that's going to translate. We'll see!

Experimenting with the tripod will hopefully be a fruitful endeavor. Now that I don't have to balance my giant camera on tabletops anymore, a lot of doors have been opened in terms of where and when I can take pictures. I love browsing other people's photography for ideas--it's one of those hobbies I think a lot of people have common ground on. Pictures are just fun to take! Personally, I'm a fan of playing with colors. I can't wait to take this thing out for a spin downtown or to the mountains when I go visit my brother. It'll probably come with me to Seattle, too, although I'm not sure how effective it will be to set up shop in the middle of Pike's Place. I got enough odd looks as it is from the occasional jogger this afternoon--I don't think my confidence is quite ready for anything more just yet!

Dress: Modcloth - Sea Shanty Singing Dress
Red flats: Old Navy
Bow: Made by me! 

Oh, yes, and Marcus joined me for a picture after I finished. Fun story: he originally wanted to try recreating the World War II sailor picture, only he wanted to be the one getting dipped. We tried twice, and the resulting photos looked like I was trying to assault him. Also, I kept dropping him. For future reference, I'm not a reliable foundation if you want to be dipped or dunked or otherwise tilted towards the ground.

We still had fun, though, even though we mutually agreed to never try to get into team Olympic figure skating.

:)

on autumn and teaching

This morning, Marcus came along with me to my school's Fall Festival. My kids were going to be performing, and I'd told my teacher I would help them get on stage and stay in line. Also--let's be real, who doesn't want to watch a bunch of three-year-olds wave colorful scarves around and sing This Little Light of Mine? 

First of all, my kids looked adorable. They were all wearing jeans and white shirts, but most of the boys had been put into button-downs and had their hair all combed. So handsome! One of my little girls was even complete with a giant white bow and stylish little boots like her mom's. 

By the way, that's my other favorite part of going to events. It's priceless seeing kids with their parents and watching them interact. I get a kick out of seeing who looks like who and what their individual dynamics are. I told Marcus today that I felt way better about my job after going to the Fall Festival because, hey, guess what? A lot of these kids don't even want to listen to their own parents 100% of the time! That means I have no reason to feel incompetent if I can't always get them to focus or stop screaming or cooperate with the activities we're doing--of course, I'm always trying, but it was something of a relief to realize that I wasn't just awful at my job. The other thing I felt better about was being frustrated--I love my kids. I do. They've only been with me for just shy of a month, and I treat them like they're my own a lot of the time. Sometimes, though, when I'm trying to manage all sixteen of them and they all want to run around and climb on top of everything and break their toys, I find myself getting a little impatient--and I always feel too hard on them when I put them in time-out or scold them. Watching them with their parents made me realize that that's a normal part of raising kids--and there's not really anything wrong with feeling frustrated or upset as long as you don't take it out on them or do anything too extreme. (I always feel bad and let them leave the chair after two minutes anyway--they're three, nobody's committing credit card fraud or arson here!) 

Anyway, my kids did great. A lot of them sort of lost focus halfway through the song, and one of my boys yelled, "I SEE A PLANE!" mid-performance. Still, it was really clear how proud all of their parents and teachers were. They were able to stay in their line, and nobody ran off! (Going off how the rehearsal went the other day, that's a huge accomplishment!) 

After they all dispersed with their families, Marcus and I walked around to look at the booths. Some of the vendors were really impressive--we had these huge horses walking around the fairground and everything. Most of the games and prizes were geared towards the kids, but we still had fun watching. We also bought a a shaved ice to share--we tried half blue raspberry, half tiger's blood. My favorite part of that was ordering, because Marcus said, "Can we do part of it with tiger's blood--and can the other half just be Hawaiian?" I nudged him and whispered, "It's not a flavor, it's just called Hawaiian shaved ice." He thought about it for a second and said, "oh, they're all Hawaiian! I guess just blue raspberry then!" 

We got to be the first customers at the booth, which seemed to make the people working there happy because they mentioned that nobody had come by yet and they were getting pretty bored. We promised that we'd walk around with our shaved ice and make a huge deal out of it so more people would come by, and they both laughed--but it ended up actually happening! We were enjoying our treat and a family walked by and said, "oh, wow! Look at that, let's go get one!" 

I also got to wear my new pie dress that I've been fawning over all year. One more in my size finally came in on Modcloth, and you better believe I snatched that up the minute I saw it. I'm wearing it now. I actually don't want to take it off anytime in the near future. A lot of people I work with commented on how festive it looked. I love working at a school--everyone appreciates fun prints! 

Dress: My Kind of Pie Dress - Modcloth

Cardigan: Charter School Cardigan - Modcloth

Shoes: Old Navy

Bow: Made by me! 

Purse: Fossil 

Next time we're going to try something a little more traditional, like caramel apples!

Also, for some reason, this picture really thrilled him.

So, needless to say, this is becoming more of a viable career option for me. My teacher's been talking to me about some international opportunities I might look into, and I guess we'll see what happens! Who knew that I'd end up falling into teaching? When I met her husband today, he said, "my wife loves you. She's always talking about how capable you are--she says for this kind of job you need to have the heart for it, and everyone thinks you really do." 

I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me a year ago that that was one of the nicest things I'd ever hear. I don't think I stopped smiling after that!

I'm going to try to get better about posting, because all of a sudden there's a ton to say! Be warned, I think a lot of it is going to end up revolving around teaching and my preschoolers--oh, and probably dresses? I'm just going out on a limb here.

:) 

the beginning of october

1. My brother turned fifteen. He's diabetic, so I tried making up a cake that was acceptably sweet that my mother would also let him eat. I came up with a sugar-free box mix for Devil's Food Cake, sugar-free chocolate pudding to add to it, strawberry frozen yogurt in between the layers and fat-free whipped topping mixed with cocoa powder for the frosting. The entire thing was placed in the freezer and became a diabetic-friendly ice cream cake. Tommy has since requested about five more.

2. We had one of our first date nights in awhile. Marcus is becoming a sushi person. I'm really proud of how far he's come in terms of culinary adventurousness. Would you believe I could never get him to eat anything besides plain pizza or chicken nuggets?

3. Surprise--another sweet experiment for Tommy's benefit. My mom won't ever let him order anything from Starbucks because of the sugar, but he loves the strawberries and cream blended drinks. After spending awhile sulking about it, he gave up on asking for them anymore. I was playing with smoothie ideas and decided to try replicating the drink with strawberry frozen yogurt, almond milk and some canned whipped cream. He's deemed it acceptable and asks for these special drinks most nights now.

4. I ordered this beautiful dress from eBay--I really am coming to love Bernie Dexter's designs. This dress is a particular favorite of mine because it combines Tudor roses with a vintage silhouette. Unfortunately, when my package finally arrived it contained the wrong dress. It's currently on its way back, so I'll update you when my other one gets here!

5. My hair is getting long enough to play with a little bit more. I dyed it brown after something like five years of keeping it auburn. I like it better so far, and now I'm just anxiously awaiting more growth so I can experiment with my curls instead of settling for keeping it up all the time.

6. I started a new job (more on that later), and while I was hunting for important work-related documents in my garage I found this little jar I made for my mom in first grade. We have it on the fireplace now--I used to be really annoyed that she never ate the chocolates I put inside. When I found this and showed it to her and my aunt, my aunt exclaimed, "of course! No mom wants to compromise a present like that by eating the candy inside!"

7. I may have also finally gotten my hands on the long-awaited skeleton dress. It glows in the dark and I am in love with the collar. I need to get better at getting real outfit pictures instead of just the ones I use my phone for in the mirror. The full effect is usually a lot more fun! It came just in time for October to start, but I'm thinking I'll be breaking this out even when Halloween is over.

8. In my moments of free time, I occupy myself by rearranging things and keeping the house clean. Our pantry used to look like a tornado had hit it. We buy from the bulk bin at Sprouts for snacks, and somehow the food always stays inside those plastic bags. Nobody could find anything! I finally got impatient and made a trip to Target for several mason jars. The snacks ended up in the jars, and now we can see how much food we actually have. Thank God. (We have pea soup now, too.)

9. We've had family popping in and out for almost a month. I really enjoy watching my mom and aunt together. She's supposed to be coming back next week, so I'm excited to see her again even if the circumstances aren't ideal.

Finally, I'm sure everyone (meaning all two of you) are curious about how my grandmother is doing. She has her on and off days, but she's coming home soon. We don't really know what will happen from there, but anyone who's met my grandma knows she isn't about to go down without fighting.

We love her tons, and, as evidenced in this particular favorite photo of mine, we're all cut from the same cloth as she is. 

In the meantime, I hope things get better. Some family members have really come through, and others have revealed themselves to be largely unsupportive. Strange how these times show you everyone's true colors, isn't it? The family drama has been so insane I could probably write a soap opera about it and retire from the income. 

Well, for now I think we'll just focus on the positives. Within a week or two, my grandmother should be home! We'll just go from there. 

baking and coping

It's been a very long couple of days.

Last night, I was in the middle of cooking dinner while my mom was on the phone. We were having gyros, and I was just browning the rest of the meat in the pan. My mom was on the phone with my grandmother, who we'd dropped off at the hospital a bit earlier for what everyone assumed to be kidney stones. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard my mom's tone change. She waved me over and started writing in the notebook she was using for schoolwork. I suddenly got the strangest feeling and really didn't want to see what she was trying to tell me. I think in a really odd way I probably knew, so I finally just looked down.

"She has pancreatic cancer."

Since then, everything has felt sort of like a dream. Both of my brothers reacted very strongly when we told them. I was the one who called Jack up at college, since my mom had her hands full telling everyone else. I just listened while he started crying and answered his questions in the best way I could at the time. I'm wondering why I didn't really feel anything aside from a very brief sense of dread. I think I decided not to accept it, then I just went back to cooking dinner. 

That's just what I've been doing ever since. Cooking might actually be all I'm good for in a time of crisis. 

I feel very tired. I don't know why. I haven't really done anything to be tired from. 

Today, we were given a little bit more information. It looks like stage four, but the doctor thinks there could be success with treatment. My grandmother sounds really good, and I'm going to be seeing her tomorrow night. Actually, it was sort of funny, because I've been practicing baking new things lately, and before she left for the hospital she hadn't gotten to eat anything. When I told her about what I was making, she complained that she'd be missing out but to save some for her. Unfortunately, because she ended up staying longer than we thought she would, she didn't get to try any of the food. Last night, I tried making donuts for the first time with considerable success. My mom saved one and brought it to my grandma at the hospital where she works this morning. Later, I got a message from my grandma with a picture of her happily eating the donut. Apparently, she wasn't supposed to eat it and some of the tests they were supposed to do got delayed as a result, but she was completely pleased with herself about it and said she didn't regret it at all. 

That's basically my grandmother in a nutshell. 

I love her very much and I'm not ready to lose her just yet, so we're all going to fight this together. 

And we'll fuel her efforts with plenty of these. I guess she actually really enjoys donuts. I had no idea, because I've never seen her eat one. 

These turned out really nice the second time around. The secret is cake flour, which I was surprised about. I had always heard that you could use all-purpose for anything and that "specialized" flour was a way of making more money off the same product. Actually, I would never go back to all-purpose for donuts. I'm actually thinking of trying some of my other recipes, like those scones, with cake flour to see if it makes a difference. This batch was so springy and fluffy, I couldn't wait to tell someone about it.

Now, grandma can have some of the good cake-flour donuts, since they should be all finished with her tests by the time we go visit. I think she'll enjoy them much more than the ones from yesterday, which were made of white and whole wheat flour. They tasted fine, but the consistency was way too dense for them to feel like real donuts. Cake flour is where it's at, you guys.

I think this is my way of coping. It's not conventional, but at least it's sort of cheering everyone up since there's always food around. We'll see what happens next. I'm hoping very badly for some good news in the next few days.

I want my grandmother around to eat donuts and scones with me for awhile longer. That's not too much to ask, I don't think.

adventures in baking

You guys.

German chocolate cake.

My mom's really sweet friend (whose babies I watch all the time!) is a baker, and she mentioned that she loves German chocolate. For her birthday, I'm having my mom take along this cake to her work. It was a really fun cake to make, for anyone who's looking for new culinary experiments. I'd never made this type of frosting before, and this was actually my first try making cake from scratch. (Before that, I suppose I'd only done cookies, pies, scones and the occasional lemon bar! All of those are fun in their own ways, but the specific recipes I'd used for them didn't rely so heavily on getting the baking aspect right.)

Did you know there are about seven thousand ways to mess up a cake?

I only had one pan, so I baked a layer at a time. The first one slid out beautifully, and I felt a sense of great satisfaction at having managed such a smooth landing. This abruptly changed when I tried to flip the cake back over later for frosting. I'd put it on a plate too soon, and it had gradually melted--so a huge chunk ripped out of the top! I was furious--and angrily ate up the pieces that I couldn't salvage. Luckily, they were only crumbs. I was able to carefully re-position the broken pieces and cover them up with a little extra frosting. Nobody really has to know. ;)

The frosting was actually my favorite part to make. I was very curious to see how the ingredients were supposed to magically turn into a thick caramel icing, since my last couple of attempts at this had turned out less than stellar. Powdered sugar is hit or miss, it seems. This was a unique method, as it required cooking the ingredients in a saucepan until they thickened up. I had to taste it a few times just to make sure it was coming out right, of course. (To be extra certain, I dunked some of the crumbs deemed unworthy of being included in the cake into the icing. After all, every experimental baker knows that you have to get an idea of the full effect! That's what I tell myself, anyway.)

Maybe baking isn't for me after all--"you only wanted me to make you half a cake, hmmm?"

Is decorating the cake anyone else's favorite part? I'm always so anxious for the layers to cool so I can stack them up and have fun making them pretty. This icing was sort of difficult to keep smooth because of the coconut and pecan bits, but I have to admit that spreading frosting is calming in an odd sort of way. Maybe because it takes so much focus?

Anyway, I really hope my mom's friend likes the cake! At any rate, I'm sure her two little boys will! ;)

For anyone who is curious and would like to try, I used this recipe for the cake and this one for the frosting. I know--technically the cake recipe is not specifically for German chocolate, but it can be modified and is still quite delicious with the coconut pecan frosting.

Let me know if you decide to try it! Who else enjoys looking for new things to bake? Any masterpieces or disasters?

- Katie

pictures and movies

The more lovely pictures I see from becoming familiar with Blogger, the more I realize I completely stopped taking any of myself! I was actually kind of surprised--aside from every couple of days when I use my webcam to snap some quick hair growth progress pictures, or maybe using my iPhone to take shots of clothes I'm trying on and need to send to friends for opinions, I don't really take that many pictures of myself anymore. It's certainly been months since I took the time to take any "cute" pictures! (I use that term really loosely.)

It was a slow day today, though, so I thought it'd be fun to take a couple of new pictures this afternoon. I've shared my favorites with you, though I have to admit I'm even a little bit self conscious about these! Is anyone else ever kind of surprised by what they look like on camera, even if you've seen it before? I'm always a little bit unsure of what to think. This was fun, though! My mom and I had a really successful shopping trip a few days ago and she bought me this adorable shirt from The Limited as a little present. We scored a 50% off coupon together, so it was a great deal! Now I can't wait to go back! I have a huge chambray thing right now--I don't know what that's about! Something about the soft blue just seems so classic and comfortable to me.

In other news, Marcus and I had a date night! Of course, I forgot to take any pictures (I think I'll have to start getting better about that if I want to have a regular blog) but it's okay! I had fun being in the moment. Besides, it's pretty hard to take pictures in the movies. We love going to the theater together, but not a lot's come out lately that really piqued our interests. Yesterday was kind of a down day for me, so we got the idea to find the worst-looking movie out there and have fun watching it anyway. After watching the trailers, Marcus picked Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (I sincerely apologize to anyone who loved this movie, but the entire theater must have had the same idea because everyone was giggling a little bit!) I think it's sometimes hard to take some of the dialogue they come up with in these teen paranormal romance movies seriously. We had a blast watching it, though, and we went for some coffee afterwards. We hadn't done any of that in awhile! Now that Marcus is working and I'm looking for a new job, hopefully there will be a little bit more opportunity to go out and about together.

We like spending time at home with my family too, though, so that's nice!

Oh--and one last thing! I made my first sale on Etsy! I'm so excited!! I'm going to make my first made-to-order bow this weekend and ship it first thing after Labor Day! I hope that maybe getting a few good reviews here and there will maybe boost my store's ratings, and who knows? Maybe someday I can make lots of bows for lots of people!

How do you feel about taking the time to get some new pictures of yourself? For me, it feels almost like a fun treat! What are your favorite ways to keep your pictures interesting and fresh, even if you have limited space to work with? And, of course, has anyone seen any good (or awful) movies?

:)

wishlist wednesday!

Hello, everyone! It's been a little bit--I'm trying to decide how best to spend my time. So far, most of it's still devoted to being master of the house: chores, shopping for groceries, cooking, you know. I love it, but it's also left me kind of tired! I haven't gone out shopping a whole lot lately, which I used to really enjoy. Yesterday, though, my mom and I spent a day out--I thought it'd be fun to talk about, and share some fun wishlist items at the same time! 

We started off by going to the post office, where I mailed a dress out for swap. I was really bummed to let it go.

Wouldn't you be? I actually got it from another swap awhile back, all the way from Canada! I waited on it for weeks because I was so excited about it, but it was totally wrong for my body. :( I'm not quite tall enough to pull it off! Hopefully the new owner gets more use out of it. As for me, I can't wait for my new prize! Pictures to come...it has bows on it. 

Anyway, then we went off to the mall together! That's one of our favorite things to do when we have time. Trying on clothes is my favorite, and if it's a good day, I can get my mom to try some things on too. Looking back now, I wish I'd taken more pictures of the things I put on. Some were pretty bad (to be fair, I was hoping the lobster dress I found was going to look nicer) and others were so good, I was sad to leave them behind! 

At a store called The Limited, I tried on these beauties: 

Is it pretty obvious I have a chambray thing going on?! Sadly, I had to leave most of those behind, though my mom did score a 50% off everything coupon and was nice enough to get me the light blue shirt! :) I'd been looking for one like it forever, and with that sweet deal it was even cheaper than some of the lesser-quality ones I'd seen at stores like Forever 21. I learned that I enjoy stores like The Limited because I'm not huge on embellishment--they specialize in classic, simple pieces (like colored pants and basic sweaters!), which I tend to gravitate towards. I totally get that for some people, the more bedazzled the better, but I'm just not as into it. For me, there's nothing worse than spying a cute dress from across the room, only to get closer and realize that someone added studs or zippers or cutouts where there didn't really need to be any. (If you're ever at the mall and hear someone lamenting that perfectly good pair of mint pants that was ruined by a thick zipper up the sides, it's probably me.) 

My mom ended up picking up a nice pair of black pants for work, but we both secretly wanted to take it all! 

Later, at Express, I tried on a red dress that looked pretty cute: sadly, the back was cut extra low and it was so stretchy you could see everything through it. Ever tried one of those on? I'll keep looking, though, I love red dresses. If this one was still in stock on Modcloth, I'd get it! 

After the mall, we went to Target really quickly to pick up new kitchen supplies. At the mall, we looked at some of the more upscale shops for fun (who doesn't love to do that?!) but the prices made us want to cry! Some really nice-looking kitchen things were ON SALE for $800! Until one of us wins the lottery, we figured we'd better head someplace that gave us more realistic options. We'd been talking about replacing our ancient cookware forever--it was all scratched up and breaking, and since I cook every day, I needed better things to work with. We debated on several different sets before we settled on a nice-looking one that was pretty affordable!

That one.

I don't know what it says about me that I'm this excited to have a brand new set of cookware, but I'm over the moon. I can't wait to use it. We also got a new egg pan, since my family's all about the eggs. Maybe now I can start sharing some more recipes! 

I'm really excited about my new shirt and my cookware! I love finding one thing (or ten!) that you've been searching for forever, and then bam! There's the perfect one! I have a huge list of retro-classic items I'm hoping to slowly acquire by fall, but I think I'll share that one next Wednesday...I'm still having that issue where I know what I'm looking for, but I haven't seen any pictures of it on store sites or magazines yet!

Am I the only one who gets that feeling? Like there's the perfect item I would just draw up for myself if I could? Does anyone else have those things they've been looking all over for but can't quite find? A couple more of mine include some classic a-line skirts, sturdy oxfords, cute button-downs in soft colors (long and short sleeve, preferably with lace!) and simple cardigans! What's on your wishlist that you haven't been able to track down yet?

- Katie

{ etsy experiment! }

Hello, everyone!

After thinking about it for awhile, I decided it might be fun to try opening my own Etsy shop! I've been working on my own special hair accessories, mostly bows and headbands. My little bows have earned me quite a few compliments--a lot of people have stopped me to ask where I get them and how I make them! As such, just for fun, I think I'd like to see if opening up a shop for them pans out. As I expand my interests, I'm very excited to share my new ventures with all of you!

Of course, my little shop is still under construction. I'm experimenting with prices and styles to see what works best. After less than an hour, I can't really say for sure whether I've chosen successful options, but time will tell. I've been browsing Etsy for similar listings to pick fair prices and learn how to list items in an appealing way; if my shop becomes more successful, I'm sure I'll just have to start coming up with even more creative things to do with it!

If you'd like to check it out, Darling Mine is now up and running! Let me know what you think--pictures, prices, etc.! If by any chance you see something you like, please tell me! I'm not sure how successful a business model I'll have by being eager to make people deals all the time, but I'm hoping I'll become successful enough to offer lots of coupons and bundle deals. (So far, it seems like 3 for $10 is a pretty standard group price?)

Thanks for stopping by! Hopefully I'll have more updates as time passes!

{ an outfit and an outburst }

[ warning: this post is long, and expresses a lot of annoyance and anger. if you prefer, you may simply skip ahead to the pictures or ignore this particular post; i hate to bring anyone down just because i'm having a rant! ]

I've been looking forward to doing my first outfit post! Unfortunately, all I have for you today is some subpar camera-phone pictures (they're not all like that, I promise!)

It was done sort of hastily because I wanted to make a point. To make that point, I have to share a brief story about my day.

In my house, I'm basically resident cook. I love putting together the grocery lists and shopping for my family. I'm responsible for dinner most nights, and I'm usually baking treats on weekends. That's all fine with me!

Today is Wednesday--at my neighborhood Sprouts, that means double the discounts. Everyone goes on Wednesdays. I enjoy Sprouts for their wide variety of affordable health foods; with a diabetic brother at home, I have to get creative! There I was, meandering around, sampling the free coffee and generally enjoying my day. I'd just come from signing paperwork for my new job (!) and I felt pretty excited, so naturally, I was in a good mood!

When I brought my items to the checkout, the woman in front of me wasn't too friendly--she scooted my bar over when I tried to start adding my items and glared a lot, but I figured she was probably just having a busy day. The cashier also didn't seem very interested in talking to me, giving short answers and avoiding eye contact. At one point, though, she looked up and suddenly seemed attentive.

"Where do you get those bows you put in your hair?" she asked. I answered happily that I make them. She followed up with more questions about how to put them together, which I was only too glad to answer. I was in the middle of explaining the clips I used (all while my items were still being scanned) when suddenly, I was interrupted.

"You do realize that those little bows make you look like you're about thirteen years old, don't you?" she said, in a tone I didn't consider to be the most friendly. I was at a loss for words, as this was the second time this week someone had so rudely commented on the way I looked (which I'll get into in a second). The cashier and bag boy both started laughing, at which point the cashier said, "yeah, I didn't know how to ask without being rude, but how old are you?"

"Twenty-one," I answered, trying very hard not to let my weariness at this question show.

"So you're legal and everything and still walking around dressed like that?" the lady behind me pressed. The laughter continued from all sides. I don't really remember anything else--I didn't answer back, I think I just smiled and tried to laugh politely. I paid for my items as quickly as possible before leaving to go find my car.

Let me explain a few things, because this situation comes up a lot. The responses I get are always the same, and I'd like to address them.

"Just say something rude right back! Tell that old bag her outfit made her look about twenty pounds heavier and see how she likes it! That'll shut her up!" 

I'm not the kind of person who will genuinely say something rude. I try very hard to maintain the politeness I was raised with. Even when I can think of anything truly snappy, nine times out of ten I won't say it. The woman behind me was wearing a very garish leopard-printed suit, and the first thing that came to my mind out of anger was that someone ought to tell her those hadn't been relevant since the 70's. Even as she was drawing all of this unwanted attention to me, I immediately felt bad for thinking so harshly. Obviously, she liked her outfit enough to wear it out, so who was I to judge? For all I know, this style is completely fashionable. I don't claim to be the most modern, and I probably don't know what I'm talking about anyway.

"Just take it as a compliment! You'll be thankful for those kinds of comments when you're forty!"

I hate this. I'm sure this is true to some extent--my grandmother and mom are living proof that this isn't going to stop anytime soon. However, the fact of the matter is, I'm not forty. I'm a twenty-one-year-old who has accomplished things I'm proud of. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. Despite being occasionally down on myself, I know I have nice traits to offer. I don't think I should take someone's blatant rudeness as a compliment, especially when they don't mean it to be one.

"Don't take it so seriously!" 

I dislike this even more. For some reason, comments like this are written off by others, and I'm expected to simply ignore them. However, I don't see why it should be acceptable for anyone to take the time out of their day to interrupt what another person is doing just to say something negative. The only time I go out of my way to speak to someone I don't know is to compliment them. It's a foolproof way to make someone's day better. You're almost guaranteed a more friendly response if you say something nice. While many prefer to dismiss my feelings as dramatic, I feel that this is a form of harassment, especially if you continue with it despite visibly making the other party uncomfortable.

"Well, what do you expect with the way you dress? If you want some respect, lose the bows and put on some makeup!" 

This is my least favorite response of all. It completely shifts the blame from the person who was deliberately being hurtful to the person who was trying to happily go about their day. The fact of the matter is, I like  how I dress. It's true that I don't wear any makeup, and I will continue not to as long as I like. Am I better than other women who enjoy makeup? No! Am I worse? No! It's a personal preference, and I feel uncomfortable wearing it. Why would I change that just to please other people?

I enjoy the fact that I only own two pairs of pants and that all my dresses are printed. I'm proud of having a collection of patterned tights and being able to make my own hair accessories. I have a huge appreciation for vintage styles, and having fun emulating the colorful styles I admire so much is my favorite pastime. Your style is how you choose to express who you are--we've all heard it on What Not To Wear, and it's true. I don't blindly clip bows I make by hand into my hair and think, "goodness, I hope nobody realizes that I like cutesy things!" The truth is, I have this newfangled notion that you deserve the same amount of respect no matter what you look like. I can't stress this enough. Someone could be running around the store naked and you still wouldn't have the right to judge them on how they looked. You simply wouldn't, because it has no bearing on who they are. I shouldn't be any less deserving of respect because of what I was wearing. That's the mentality that you see all too often in more upsetting situations--victim-blaming. "Well, she was assaulted for no reason, but what was she wearing?" "Well, you were harassed while you were out enjoying an evening with your friends...but what were you wearing?" It doesn't matter. This is a very unhealthy mentality that too many people seem to share. Call me over-dramatic all you like. I refuse to perpetuate the idea that anyone deserves to be treated as less because of how they look.

This is becoming a serious problem for me, as people have always thought I looked young. You may or may not realize from looking at me that I'm actually a college graduate who's going to become a diplomat someday. You may not realize that I've been known to curse like a sailor on shore leave. You may not know my struggles or insecurities or wishes or favorite books. You'll never know unless you learn to ask me instead of going off of appearances alone. I can't help it if I look young forever--that's half the reason I refuse to turn to makeup. I don't want to force something that isn't there. Thousands of women I know have perfected their usage of products to enhance their already pretty features, but for me, personally, it would serve as more of a disguise and less as a complement. And that's okay.

What isn't okay is being expected to choose between being taken seriously and changing who I am.

It took a long time to get here! I'm not going to erase all of it and start over just because some people think that printed dresses and hair-bows make me less worthy of respect. For anyone who's encountered the same problems, don't let it make you change, either. I think some people are truly intimidated by the bravery it takes to be your true self. Who knows?

For anyone who's wondering, this was the offending outfit.

Bow: Handmade proudly by yours truly.

Shirt: Forever 21 (it has bunnies on it! How can you get angry about that?!)

Shorts: Forever 21 (I bought these on sale a long time ago)

Shoes: Old Navy 

I'm sure that woman didn't realize that I made my bow at the same time as I made a matching one for my dear long-distance friend. She probably didn't consider that my mother had picked this shirt out while we were shopping together one day, and she'd been so excited about it that I had to buy it. It always reminds me of her. Of course, I don't expect strangers to be mind-readers, but doesn't it make sense to assume that if you're going to criticize someone you don't know, you may be insulting them on a deeper level than you realize?

I plan to post countless more outfit pictures over however long I keep this blog. If my style ever changes, it will be because I decided it was time for something different, not because enough people finally made me realize I looked like a young teenager. The people who matter love the way I look--and, what's more, they love me. 

I'm sorry this turned into such a novel. Anyone who has had similar experiences can attest, however, that it only becomes more disheartening with time. It can truly be unfortunate how many people feel the need to go out of their way to bring others down.

Has a similar situation happened to you? What did you do? How do you feel about this kind of thing? I'd love to hear! 

{ opinions: on department stores }

Does anyone mind if I talk about this for a minute?

Because my views on clothing have completely shifted over the last year or two, and I think it's really interesting to examine the fashion world and their products as a result.

It's no secret that if I had it my way, my whole closet would be made up of one-of-a-kind, vintage-inspired, printed garments that were predominantly skirts and dresses. I find great joy in accumulating clothes that are versatile enough to suit the workplace or a day out--while I can certainly respect the fact that a lot of places require formal business-wear, I see nothing wrong with wearing colors and exciting patterns, especially if they're made suitable for a workplace! Really, how can you complain about a knee-length printed dress with a solid cardigan and cute heels? Maybe some pretty curls on the side or a nice updo? Even if you can complain about that, you shouldn't. That's adorable and it shouldn't pose any threats to someone getting their job done.

I digress.

I love getting outfit inspiration from places like Modcloth or Anthropologie. I frequently troll sites including wwzdw.com (they have exact matches and similar alternatives for all those cute New Girl outfits!) and frantically await new episodes of Once Upon a Time so I can try to scope out more Mary-Margaret styles. I can't be the only one! The thing is, those people are highly paid actors, and they can afford those gorgeous brand-name clothes with no problem. It's certainly possible to find similar looks for less money, but not probable, and you have to get pretty lucky.

With that in mind, yesterday I visited the mall for the first time in awhile with my mom. I had a list of silhouettes and styles in mind, and I hoped I might find clothes along the lines of the ones I have bookmarked in a list longer than I care to admit!

I hadn't been to a department store in years; for awhile, stores like Forever 21 and American Eagle were my go-to shops. In my teens, places like Macy's or Dillard's had seemed too "old" or "high-end" for me. Maybe it was time to give them a try! After all, the commercials made them look so classy and glamorous!

Sadly, I have to report that my personal experience was quite disappointing. I quickly found the junior's dress section, but the selection was limited. (It's harder than you'd think to find simple a-line dresses, with or without sleeves!) My mother picked out a few for me in mint, royal blue, and red. I was excited to try them on after selecting what should have been my size--however, I struggled to get each dress up over my hips! (Generally, if a dress is my size, this isn't an issue). Following that, it was an effort to zip up the garments--I could hardly breathe! Even in two or three sizes up, the fits were less than favorable.

I couldn't understand why this was the case--thanks to a newfound interest in modern-vintage shopping, I have a really good grasp on my measurements and how they should translate into clothing sizes. Obviously, depending on whether specific brands run large or small, you want to size up or down, but it's typically going to be pretty consistent. I can say with pretty good certainty that, on average, I'm a small, but I found myself floundering in department stores, unsure what would work at all. In some styles, a 00 drowned me--in others, even an 8 was quite tight. Also, my biggest issue at my height is always having to hem things. I've slowly become more accustomed to longer lengths (think knee-skimming or a few inches above) as casual wear, with some exceptions. I'm not against shorter styles at all--my shorts are all high-waisted, and about half my skirts are too--but even I felt a little limited in movement with these dresses. That was certainly a first!

No wonder so many people hate shopping for clothes! Once you start gravitating away from the "younger" stores, as I've heard them called, there's a whole new sizing standard, and it can make finding things you like much more difficult. Being 21, I find myself in an awkward spot where Forever 21-esque establishments (I understand the irony fully) are too young for me, but shops like White House/Black Market, Talbot's, or even Anthropologie are still a bit overwhelming and don't exactly carry the modern-vintage styles I'm after.

Obviously, your personal taste and individual body type will determine where is best to get your clothes. I have issues finding things because I'm hourglass-shaped and short, which contradicts a lot of today's styles. Along with that, I have very simple preferences, and am often frustrated to see what could have been a perfectly cute red dress ruined by rhinestones, studs, unnecessary zippers, glitter, or strange cuts in the fabric. I haven't bought a plain blouse or cardigan in months because I just can't find any! (If you know of some good, affordable shops, let me know! ;) ) I'm not against department stores. Not even a little bit. However, this vintage-loving girl was personally a tad disappointed with the experience. I wasn't actually able to find anything on my list, and the things that came close would have been cheaper to buy on sale online anyway.

(That's actually one more thing that's changing about me--I used to pride myself on being THE bargain-hunter, and refused to spend over $10 on any one item. Now, upon going through my closet over the years and realizing how many things I bought solely because they were cheap, I've decided I'd rather spend a little more on fewer pieces I love. I was shocked to see that the cost of these items I used to purchase without really loving added up to far more than I spend now. I'm still getting used to that--a lot of my friends will raise an eyebrow when they inquire how much I bought my new dress/skirt/shoes for. However, I'm pretty proud of how I manage my money, and I still utilize plenty of discounts--and, at the end of the day, it's your business when it comes to how you spend your resources!)

That said, do any of you encounter similar issues when shopping in stores? I enjoy going out and browsing around, but more and more lately, I find myself happier to save up for choice pieces online and read at home instead. Where is your go-to place to get clothes that suit you perfectly? Do you prefer to shell out more money for less things, or do you find that method flawed? I'd love to hear about your experiences!

{ saturday: baking scones! }

One of my favorite things to do in the mornings--on weekends especially--is bake special treats for everyone to wake up to. I've been thinking it would be fun to try sharing some of my most-loved recipes with all of you, because who wouldn't want to try making scones at least once? I don't have the cutest vintage kitchen with matching accessories like some of my favorite bloggers (yet!) but I still thought pictures might be fun and help illustrate the process for those of you who might not be too familiar with baking just yet!

I have to go ahead and credit this recipe for what I'm writing about today--it really lives up to its name. It's an excellent base, and you can adapt it literally any way you want to. I would pay special attention to the reviews, because I did find that reducing the amount of butter and baking powder yields a more favorable result. However, it's entirely up to you, which is why this is one of my most-used recipes.

The original uses currants (which sound delicious, but I've never actually seen any around here...) but so far I've tried blueberry, raspberry, chocolate chip, multi-berry lemon, and now, as of today, blueberry chocolate chip! I'm sure there's a whole other realm of savory scones I have yet to try, but that's for another day.

Scones can seem kind of daunting. Marcus and I used to go to this bakery in Flagstaff every Sunday for these huge ones that we had to split with a glass of milk. I always wanted to try making them, but they seemed to easy to mess up.

Not the case!

I went ahead and outlined the basics of how these scones are made, but for exact measurements, visit the instructions I linked above--I wouldn't want to steal all the attention away from the original author who was generous enough to share such a successful recipe!

You need basic ingredients for this:

• Flour - I haven't tried anything so far except basic white all-purpose, but I'm really curious to experiment with wheat or coconut flour.
• Sugar - what's really nice is that you don't use a whole lot, but you still get just the right amount of sweetness!
• Butter - the recipe calls for five tablespoons, but I've always scaled back to three and they're still pretty decadent.
• Baking powder - again, I'd consider using a teaspoon less than the recipe calls for.
• Salt - pretty standard for baking.
• Milk and sour cream - I actually always use plain fat-free yogurt in place of the sour cream, and it works wonderfully.
• Any berries, chocolate chips, or other such toppings you desire! 
• There's also an optional egg wash that includes one egg and a little milk. The idea is that you dust it over the scones before baking. However, I've tried it with and without this, and don't notice much of a difference either way. Up to you!

Here we go! A brief demonstration, because who doesn't like pictures?

Sift the dry ingredients into a bowl together: flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder. Make sure they're mixed well!

My personal favorite part: adding the butter! It seems to work best if you place your block of butter in the freezer, then grate it into the dry ingredients. It's really fun, and it looks really cool. Am I the only one who loves the color of butter?

Throw in your toppings. The recipe calls for something like 1/2 cup of currants, but I always end up adding more. Today I used blueberries and chocolate chips, and I think I might have just skipped measuring! ;)

Mix everything thoroughly. It's important to distribute the butter evenly so that every scone achieves maximum fluffiness!

Combine the yogurt and milk in a separate bowl. I like to whisk them, because it gives me an excuse to use mine. (Not a whole lot of recipes seem to require whisking anymore, which is really too bad...)

Pour the wet ingredients into your dry ones all at once, and mix them well. The recipe cautions against over-working the dough. So far, that's been avoided on my end, but I'm always a little nervous about either over-mixing them or risking leaving chunks of flour just sitting there. Eventually it'll all combine into one huge ball--and a lot of my berries exploded, turning the dough blue in some places!

Pull the dough apart and shape them into little balls on a baking sheet--I try to make them vaguely triangular, but you'll see that they never really turn out that way. It's best to let them rest for about 10 minutes to let the baking powder activate--I use that time to wash my dishes! Afterward, place those babies into the 400-degree oven!

After about ten to twelve minutes, they should be about done, but I know it depends on the oven. When they stop being squishy and start getting golden brown on top, you know it's almost time to enjoy them!

My household in particular enjoys them plain with lots of milk, but you can also serve with clotted cream (never seen that before, either, but it sounds delicious) and jam. My brother tried it with the jam once and decided it was only so-so.

There you have it! Scones are actually really easy and don't take very long at all. Chances are you'll try making them and immediately want to whip up another batch with other toppings. I know I'm looking forward to fall so that I can do pumpkin or cranberry! 

Let me know if you try this great recipe, and tell me how it turns out! What kind of fillings did you use? 

-Katie