a light has gone out of my life

Grandma--top right--with her mother and kids (there's my mom with the black hair!)

This week, my grandmother lost her battle to pancreatic cancer. Some of you might remember briefly hearing about this back in October, when we first found out and still hoped it'd been caught early enough.

Given that this is not exactly the best place to disclose too many details, I won't go much into her last few weeks. Suffice it to say that while she was indeed in a lot of pain and spent a lot of time sad or afraid, she still actively maintained a positive attitude and never wanted anyone else to worry about her. For awhile, I invented different flavors of smoothies to bring her, and when she was still eating, she requested a lot of baked goods. I practically sprinted home every night to make her whatever she asked for, but she didn't end up actually finishing a whole lot of it.

There's been a lot of grief. I would even admit that most of it probably hasn't hit me in full force yet. However, my grandma wasn't the kind of lady who wanted anyone to dwell on unhappiness. Having said that, I think anyone reading this deserves to know exactly what kind of woman she was.

My grandmother always said her greatest hope was to see her daughters and granddaughters grow up to be ladies who also knew when to curse like sailors.

She always had enough food in her kitchen for anyone who was visiting--and if she didn't, she practically teleported to the nearest Asian market to go get some more.

She was a banging mother. I'm not even remotely doing her justice here, but she spent years as a single, hardworking mom with four kids in a country that wasn't hers--and she refused help from her well-off relatives because (in her words) she was too proud and wanted to make her life herself.

She was always running around in her little trademark straw fedoras. For her birthday one year, Marcus and I each bought her new ones. Jesus, she loved those hats. If it wasn't hats, it was colorful hair clips. Accessorizing runs in the family.

She was an unbelievably strong lady. Her life reads like a damn Univision soap opera, except all of it actually happened. She went through some serious adversity. I would even argue she was still going through a lot of it before cancer even became present in her life. I never heard her being negative or down on herself--she waved everything off and said it wasn't worth the fuss.

She said I had her face, and she loved that. She always called me her mini-me to anyone she introduced me to. After she did, my mom said "you have so much of her in you" and cried.

She was unbelievably crass. Seriously, appearance-wise, she fit the textbook definition of a sweet old Spanish grandmother, but the things that came out of her mouth were insane. I couldn't get enough. She somehow managed to relate to everyone because she never acted like she was above them--she had the raunchy vocabulary to prove it, too.

My grandma was universally compassionate and loving. She could make anyone feel like the most important person in the world to her--and so many people adored her. She had so much room in her heart for everyone, and it would be arrogant to assume you came first in her life because of it. We never minded, of course--knowing anyone, much less a person you're related to, who has that much capability to love, is an incredible gift. I don't care how many people thought of her as their grandma even if they weren't related to us. She probably felt just like one, and I love that. 

She knew everyone. Seriously. If she didn't, she at least found common ground with them. I can't tell you how many times we'd be grocery shopping when she ran into someone with an accent she recognized. She'd proceed to engage them in Tagalog and carry on a full, enthusiastic conversation. She had connections out the wazoo, and I finally just decided to go through life assuming she did know everyone in our immediate proximity rather than not.

We used to fight about the way I wanted to dress. I remember clearly, for my first homecoming dance, I just wanted to wear a conservative dress with sleeves, and in the middle of Kohl's, we had an argument about it. "No granddaughter of mine is going to a school dance dressed like that!" she declared, waving the sequined, strappy, ass-grazing number she favored for me instead. "You're going to show off what you've got, young lady! If you've got it, you'd better flaunt it!" I can almost guarantee very few similar arguments have ever occurred between a grandmother and a granddaughter. This continued until I came into myself over the years and eventually transitioned into a style I felt more comfortable in (which now includes a lot of printed dresses). 

Following that, in her last few weeks, she'd always want to be touching me or my clothing. I got into the habit of wearing her favorite dresses, then laying down next to her. From her little bed, she'd play with the patterns on my tights or dresses and smile for an hour at a time.

I could go on for hours about the things that made this woman someone I was lucky to be able to grow up near. So much of who I am is because of her. I probably can't even begin to guess how many people in the world consider themselves lucky to know her.

It hasn't hit me all the way yet. The hole in my life no longer being filled by her presence feels like a dream to me still. I keep thinking that if I just dial her phone number, she'll answer me like always.

I can't say when this is going to become more of an immediate reality to me. I've never experienced a death of a loved one before, and this was kind of like losing my queen in the beginning of a chess game. There's never going to be a way to replace her--not that I'd ever want to.

I only hope I was able to do her justice and appreciate her enough while she was here. I let her know all the time how much I loved her and wanted to be near her, but somehow I still wonder if it was enough.

If she was sitting here, she'd probably have smacked me in the arm by now, rolled her eyes, and told me to stop it already.

Jesus, we all loved her so much.

The hospice worker told us to say "see you later" instead of "goodbye", because we had every reason to believe we'd see her again someday. I don't know where I stand on that, but I sincerely hope it's true, because I'd give anything to have her back.

Wherever she is, I hope she's unimaginably happy. Someone like her deserves nothing less.

{ saturday: baking scones! }

One of my favorite things to do in the mornings--on weekends especially--is bake special treats for everyone to wake up to. I've been thinking it would be fun to try sharing some of my most-loved recipes with all of you, because who wouldn't want to try making scones at least once? I don't have the cutest vintage kitchen with matching accessories like some of my favorite bloggers (yet!) but I still thought pictures might be fun and help illustrate the process for those of you who might not be too familiar with baking just yet!

I have to go ahead and credit this recipe for what I'm writing about today--it really lives up to its name. It's an excellent base, and you can adapt it literally any way you want to. I would pay special attention to the reviews, because I did find that reducing the amount of butter and baking powder yields a more favorable result. However, it's entirely up to you, which is why this is one of my most-used recipes.

The original uses currants (which sound delicious, but I've never actually seen any around here...) but so far I've tried blueberry, raspberry, chocolate chip, multi-berry lemon, and now, as of today, blueberry chocolate chip! I'm sure there's a whole other realm of savory scones I have yet to try, but that's for another day.

Scones can seem kind of daunting. Marcus and I used to go to this bakery in Flagstaff every Sunday for these huge ones that we had to split with a glass of milk. I always wanted to try making them, but they seemed to easy to mess up.

Not the case!

I went ahead and outlined the basics of how these scones are made, but for exact measurements, visit the instructions I linked above--I wouldn't want to steal all the attention away from the original author who was generous enough to share such a successful recipe!

You need basic ingredients for this:

• Flour - I haven't tried anything so far except basic white all-purpose, but I'm really curious to experiment with wheat or coconut flour.
• Sugar - what's really nice is that you don't use a whole lot, but you still get just the right amount of sweetness!
• Butter - the recipe calls for five tablespoons, but I've always scaled back to three and they're still pretty decadent.
• Baking powder - again, I'd consider using a teaspoon less than the recipe calls for.
• Salt - pretty standard for baking.
• Milk and sour cream - I actually always use plain fat-free yogurt in place of the sour cream, and it works wonderfully.
• Any berries, chocolate chips, or other such toppings you desire! 
• There's also an optional egg wash that includes one egg and a little milk. The idea is that you dust it over the scones before baking. However, I've tried it with and without this, and don't notice much of a difference either way. Up to you!

Here we go! A brief demonstration, because who doesn't like pictures?

Sift the dry ingredients into a bowl together: flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder. Make sure they're mixed well!

My personal favorite part: adding the butter! It seems to work best if you place your block of butter in the freezer, then grate it into the dry ingredients. It's really fun, and it looks really cool. Am I the only one who loves the color of butter?

Throw in your toppings. The recipe calls for something like 1/2 cup of currants, but I always end up adding more. Today I used blueberries and chocolate chips, and I think I might have just skipped measuring! ;)

Mix everything thoroughly. It's important to distribute the butter evenly so that every scone achieves maximum fluffiness!

Combine the yogurt and milk in a separate bowl. I like to whisk them, because it gives me an excuse to use mine. (Not a whole lot of recipes seem to require whisking anymore, which is really too bad...)

Pour the wet ingredients into your dry ones all at once, and mix them well. The recipe cautions against over-working the dough. So far, that's been avoided on my end, but I'm always a little nervous about either over-mixing them or risking leaving chunks of flour just sitting there. Eventually it'll all combine into one huge ball--and a lot of my berries exploded, turning the dough blue in some places!

Pull the dough apart and shape them into little balls on a baking sheet--I try to make them vaguely triangular, but you'll see that they never really turn out that way. It's best to let them rest for about 10 minutes to let the baking powder activate--I use that time to wash my dishes! Afterward, place those babies into the 400-degree oven!

After about ten to twelve minutes, they should be about done, but I know it depends on the oven. When they stop being squishy and start getting golden brown on top, you know it's almost time to enjoy them!

My household in particular enjoys them plain with lots of milk, but you can also serve with clotted cream (never seen that before, either, but it sounds delicious) and jam. My brother tried it with the jam once and decided it was only so-so.

There you have it! Scones are actually really easy and don't take very long at all. Chances are you'll try making them and immediately want to whip up another batch with other toppings. I know I'm looking forward to fall so that I can do pumpkin or cranberry! 

Let me know if you try this great recipe, and tell me how it turns out! What kind of fillings did you use? 

-Katie

the best invention ever

Everyone, stop whatever you're doing for a second, because I need to tell you about this right now.

To the casual observer, this might look like ordinary, slightly melty chocolate ice cream.

Not so!

It is, in fact, made of a few simple ingredients, none of which is milk! This is actually banana ice cream!

That's right!

I'm sure a lot of you have heard of this, so this is most likely not the revolutionary discovery I'm making it out to be. It just feels like one because I've been meaning to try it forever, and when I finally got around to it this evening, I promptly ate all of it. At once. I never eat ice cream--now I may never go back--and here I am downing an entire bowl of this delicious chocolate creaminess!

Basically, here's what it is. Frozen sliced bananas, placed into a food processor, are loudly blended until the consistency is sort of sticky and creamy. Personally, I proceeded to add a tablespoon of dark, unsweetened cocoa powder, a dash of vanilla and maybe a tablespoon or two of unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Notice how many of these ingredients are specifically unsweetened. However, when the dish was finished, you would have no idea that there was absolutely no added sugar. I might be biased, because I love bittersweet things, but this was so perfect without anything put into it.

So, for anyone who is:

• Vegan
• Lactose intolerant
• Watching their sugar intake 
• Interested in trying this amazing treat

This is essentially a gold mine. On top of that, I'm pretty sure this is way healthier than a regular serving of chocolate ice cream, considering that it's minimally processed and has only one main ingredient (plus any flavoring you want to add--it's just as delicious by itself). Also, I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but that is a decent sized serving, and I'm almost positive it's only a little over 100-120 calories (again, depending on the individual ingredients). Let's see those sugar-free yogurts and teensy "healthy" snack packs of cookies top that!

Did I mention it's really cheap? A pound of organic bananas is a tidy 69 cents at most stores where I live, and one is all you need for one serving--so, you can get seven or eight of these for less than a dollar all by itself. A giant box of unsweetened cocoa isn't too bad, maybe $2 or $3, if you find it on sale! Vanilla is nice, but not essential, and I found mine for $1.99 at Fry's. The almond milk is the only thing I can see being slightly pricey, but we buy it for $2.99 every couple of weeks and it seems to last forever. One or two tablespoons certainly won't use it all up! If you also felt like shopping around for in-season fruits to add to this, you'd find yourself swimming in possibilities.

Now, shortly after finishing my dessert, I'm eagerly plotting my next attempt. The possibilities are suddenly endless. I almost fainted when I realized I could chop up some pineapple and orange, toss it into the food processor and make my own little healthy Dole Whip. What else? Peanut butter, mint, strawberries, blueberries, chocolate chunks, whatever! I'm pretty sure unless you go insanely overboard, no matter what you choose to do with this recipe, it'll be infinitely better for you than ice cream...plus, as I said before, look at that bowl! I got to eat that entire thing. Okay--Marcus did try a bite, proclaim he wasn't a fan, then promptly ask for four more. Actually, right now I'm making him his own. The bananas are in the freezer. The things we do for love.

Anyway! Please, try this if you have the time and ingredients sitting around! 

The original recipe is right here, and there are step by step instructions with pictures and other flavor suggestions. 

So, there you go! Banana ice cream. It's really fun, leaves a lot of room for creativity, and I kind of like that I get to wait for the bananas to freeze for an hour or so...it gives me just enough time to look forward to what I get to eat!

If you try this, please tell me how it goes! What combinations did you try? Did you like it? Does it compare to regular ice cream, or do you prefer the original? 

wishlist I

It's the world's least heavily guarded secret that I can't control myself when it comes to Modcloth. My brother got me a gift card for my last birthday, and within about a nanosecond I was deluded into thinking I had the purchasing power of Queen Victoria before her Diamond Jubilee. For someone like myself who generally describes themselves as "the sort of person who likes to shop around"...(translation: really cheap)...the outcome was shameful. I bought five dresses and a Great Gatsby sweater all at once. To my credit, I wear all of those things all the time. 

Okay, not so much the sweater, since it's been known to reach 120 degrees where I live around this time of year, but it's sitting in my closet eagerly anticipating autumn. 

I digress.

I spend a fair amount of time daily on this website, and my wishlist is so extensive, I'm almost embarrassed to share even part of it with you. Honestly, this is just the first eight that came to mind. This doesn't even include the skirt section, let alone the shoes or tops. I may have a very real problem. 

Oh, well!

Here's a list of my current lovelies that are hopping in and out of my shopping cart. If I cover up the prices, it isn't that bad.

If anyone is interested, in order from left to right, here are the aforementioned articles of clothing:

1. Jetting Ready Dress
2. Doll in All Dress (this one is mostly sold out, as a warning)
3. Too Much Fun Dress in Airplanes
4. Bernie Dexter Year Abroad Dress
5. Too Much Fun Dress in Cherry
6. Sea Shanty Singing Dress in Navy
7. High Socie-tea Dress
8. Too Much Fun Dress in Boats

I'm really not kidding when I say I could do this forever. I knew every single one of those dresses' names by heart (because seriously, how cute are some of those?)...and my browser even knows that 9 times out of 10 something I type is going to be related to Modcloth.

Someday, I'll be able to afford half of one of these...

To be fair, I do have a decent amount of this shop's clothes in my closet. All my pieces get a lot of love. It's kind of surprising...lately, my tastes have been shifting more towards "buy less things that I love for a little bit more money" as opposed to "buy more things that I'm okay with for cheaper".

It must be part of growing up, I guess?

Any fellow Modcloth lovers out there? How do you deal with your addiction to these adorable prints?