[ warning: this post is long, and expresses a lot of annoyance and anger. if you prefer, you may simply skip ahead to the pictures or ignore this particular post; i hate to bring anyone down just because i'm having a rant! ]
I've been looking forward to doing my first outfit post! Unfortunately, all I have for you today is some subpar camera-phone pictures (they're not all like that, I promise!)
It was done sort of hastily because I wanted to make a point. To make that point, I have to share a brief story about my day.
In my house, I'm basically resident cook. I love putting together the grocery lists and shopping for my family. I'm responsible for dinner most nights, and I'm usually baking treats on weekends. That's all fine with me!
Today is Wednesday--at my neighborhood Sprouts, that means double the discounts. Everyone goes on Wednesdays. I enjoy Sprouts for their wide variety of affordable health foods; with a diabetic brother at home, I have to get creative! There I was, meandering around, sampling the free coffee and generally enjoying my day. I'd just come from signing paperwork for my new job (!) and I felt pretty excited, so naturally, I was in a good mood!
When I brought my items to the checkout, the woman in front of me wasn't too friendly--she scooted my bar over when I tried to start adding my items and glared a lot, but I figured she was probably just having a busy day. The cashier also didn't seem very interested in talking to me, giving short answers and avoiding eye contact. At one point, though, she looked up and suddenly seemed attentive.
"Where do you get those bows you put in your hair?" she asked. I answered happily that I make them. She followed up with more questions about how to put them together, which I was only too glad to answer. I was in the middle of explaining the clips I used (all while my items were still being scanned) when suddenly, I was interrupted.
"You do realize that those little bows make you look like you're about thirteen years old, don't you?" she said, in a tone I didn't consider to be the most friendly. I was at a loss for words, as this was the second time this week someone had so rudely commented on the way I looked (which I'll get into in a second). The cashier and bag boy both started laughing, at which point the cashier said, "yeah, I didn't know how to ask without being rude, but how old
are you?"
"Twenty-one," I answered, trying very hard not to let my weariness at this question show.
"So you're legal and everything and still walking around dressed like that?" the lady behind me pressed. The laughter continued from all sides. I don't really remember anything else--I didn't answer back, I think I just smiled and tried to laugh politely. I paid for my items as quickly as possible before leaving to go find my car.
Let me explain a few things, because this situation comes up a lot. The responses I get are always the same, and I'd like to address them.
"Just say something rude right back! Tell that old bag her outfit made her look about twenty pounds heavier and see how she likes it! That'll shut her up!"
I'm not the kind of person who will genuinely say something rude. I try very hard to maintain the politeness I was raised with. Even when I can think of anything truly snappy, nine times out of ten I won't say it. The woman behind me was wearing a very garish leopard-printed suit, and the first thing that came to my mind out of anger was that someone ought to tell her those hadn't been relevant since the 70's. Even as she was drawing all of this unwanted attention to me, I immediately felt bad for thinking so harshly. Obviously,
she liked her outfit enough to wear it out, so who was I to judge? For all I know, this style is completely fashionable. I don't claim to be the most modern, and I probably don't know what I'm talking about anyway.
"Just take it as a compliment! You'll be thankful for those kinds of comments when you're forty!"
I hate this. I'm sure this is true to some extent--my grandmother and mom are living proof that this isn't going to stop anytime soon. However, the fact of the matter is, I'm
not forty. I'm a twenty-one-year-old who has accomplished things I'm proud of. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. Despite being occasionally down on myself, I know I have nice traits to offer. I don't think I should take someone's blatant rudeness as a compliment, especially when they don't mean it to be one.
"Don't take it so seriously!"
I dislike this even more. For some reason, comments like this are written off by others, and I'm expected to simply ignore them. However, I don't see why it should be acceptable for anyone to take the time out of their day to interrupt what another person is doing just to say something negative. The only time I go out of my way to speak to someone I don't know is to compliment them. It's a foolproof way to make someone's day better. You're almost guaranteed a more friendly response if you say something nice. While many prefer to dismiss my feelings as dramatic, I feel that this is a form of harassment, especially if you continue with it despite visibly making the other party uncomfortable.
"Well, what do you expect with the way you dress? If you want some respect, lose the bows and put on some makeup!"
This is my least favorite response of all. It completely shifts the blame from the person who was deliberately being hurtful to the person who was trying to happily go about their day. The fact of the matter is, I
like how I dress. It's true that I don't wear any makeup, and I will continue not to as long as I like. Am I better than other women who enjoy makeup? No! Am I worse? No! It's a personal preference, and I feel uncomfortable wearing it. Why would I change that just to please other people?
I enjoy the fact that I only own two pairs of pants and that all my dresses are printed. I'm proud of having a collection of patterned tights and being able to make my own hair accessories. I have a huge appreciation for vintage styles, and having fun emulating the colorful styles I admire so much is my favorite pastime. Your style is how you choose to express who you are--we've all heard it on What Not To Wear, and it's true. I don't blindly clip bows I make by hand into my hair and think, "goodness, I hope nobody realizes that I like cutesy things!" The truth is, I have this newfangled notion that
you deserve the same amount of respect no matter what you look like. I can't stress this enough. Someone could be running around the store naked and you still wouldn't have the right to judge them on how they looked. You simply wouldn't, because it has no bearing on who they are. I shouldn't be any less deserving of respect because of what I was wearing. That's the mentality that you see all too often in more upsetting situations--victim-blaming. "Well, she was assaulted for no reason, but what was she wearing?" "Well, you were harassed while you were out enjoying an evening with your friends...but what were you wearing?"
It doesn't matter. This is a very unhealthy mentality that too many people seem to share. Call me over-dramatic all you like. I refuse to perpetuate the idea that anyone deserves to be treated as less because of how they look.
This is becoming a serious problem for me, as people have always thought I looked young. You may or may not realize from looking at me that I'm actually a college graduate who's going to become a diplomat someday. You may not realize that I've been known to curse like a sailor on shore leave. You may not know my struggles or insecurities or wishes or favorite books. You'll never know unless you learn to ask me instead of going off of appearances alone. I can't help it if I look young forever--that's half the reason I refuse to turn to makeup. I don't want to force something that isn't there. Thousands of women I know have perfected their usage of products to enhance their already pretty features, but for me, personally, it would serve as more of a disguise and less as a complement. And that's okay.
What isn't okay is being expected to choose between being taken seriously and changing who I am.
It took a long time to get here! I'm not going to erase all of it and start over just because some people think that printed dresses and hair-bows make me less worthy of respect. For anyone who's encountered the same problems, don't let it make you change, either. I think some people are truly intimidated by the bravery it takes to be your true self. Who knows?
For anyone who's wondering, this was the offending outfit.
Bow: Handmade proudly by yours truly.
Shirt: Forever 21 (it has bunnies on it! How can you get angry about that?!)
Shorts: Forever 21 (I bought these on sale a long time ago)
Shoes: Old Navy
I'm sure that woman didn't realize that I made my bow at the same time as I made a matching one for my dear long-distance friend. She probably didn't consider that my mother had picked this shirt out while we were shopping together one day, and she'd been so excited about it that I had to buy it. It always reminds me of her. Of course, I don't expect strangers to be mind-readers, but doesn't it make sense to assume that if you're going to criticize someone you don't know, you may be insulting them on a deeper level than you realize?
I plan to post countless more outfit pictures over however long I keep this blog. If my style ever changes, it will be because I decided it was time for something different, not because enough people finally made me realize I looked like a young teenager. The people who matter love the way I look--and, what's more, they love me.
I'm sorry this turned into such a novel. Anyone who has had similar experiences can attest, however, that it only becomes more disheartening with time. It can truly be unfortunate how many people feel the need to go out of their way to bring others down.
Has a similar situation happened to you? What did you do? How do you feel about this kind of thing? I'd love to hear!
