baking and coping

It's been a very long couple of days.

Last night, I was in the middle of cooking dinner while my mom was on the phone. We were having gyros, and I was just browning the rest of the meat in the pan. My mom was on the phone with my grandmother, who we'd dropped off at the hospital a bit earlier for what everyone assumed to be kidney stones. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard my mom's tone change. She waved me over and started writing in the notebook she was using for schoolwork. I suddenly got the strangest feeling and really didn't want to see what she was trying to tell me. I think in a really odd way I probably knew, so I finally just looked down.

"She has pancreatic cancer."

Since then, everything has felt sort of like a dream. Both of my brothers reacted very strongly when we told them. I was the one who called Jack up at college, since my mom had her hands full telling everyone else. I just listened while he started crying and answered his questions in the best way I could at the time. I'm wondering why I didn't really feel anything aside from a very brief sense of dread. I think I decided not to accept it, then I just went back to cooking dinner. 

That's just what I've been doing ever since. Cooking might actually be all I'm good for in a time of crisis. 

I feel very tired. I don't know why. I haven't really done anything to be tired from. 

Today, we were given a little bit more information. It looks like stage four, but the doctor thinks there could be success with treatment. My grandmother sounds really good, and I'm going to be seeing her tomorrow night. Actually, it was sort of funny, because I've been practicing baking new things lately, and before she left for the hospital she hadn't gotten to eat anything. When I told her about what I was making, she complained that she'd be missing out but to save some for her. Unfortunately, because she ended up staying longer than we thought she would, she didn't get to try any of the food. Last night, I tried making donuts for the first time with considerable success. My mom saved one and brought it to my grandma at the hospital where she works this morning. Later, I got a message from my grandma with a picture of her happily eating the donut. Apparently, she wasn't supposed to eat it and some of the tests they were supposed to do got delayed as a result, but she was completely pleased with herself about it and said she didn't regret it at all. 

That's basically my grandmother in a nutshell. 

I love her very much and I'm not ready to lose her just yet, so we're all going to fight this together. 

And we'll fuel her efforts with plenty of these. I guess she actually really enjoys donuts. I had no idea, because I've never seen her eat one. 

These turned out really nice the second time around. The secret is cake flour, which I was surprised about. I had always heard that you could use all-purpose for anything and that "specialized" flour was a way of making more money off the same product. Actually, I would never go back to all-purpose for donuts. I'm actually thinking of trying some of my other recipes, like those scones, with cake flour to see if it makes a difference. This batch was so springy and fluffy, I couldn't wait to tell someone about it.

Now, grandma can have some of the good cake-flour donuts, since they should be all finished with her tests by the time we go visit. I think she'll enjoy them much more than the ones from yesterday, which were made of white and whole wheat flour. They tasted fine, but the consistency was way too dense for them to feel like real donuts. Cake flour is where it's at, you guys.

I think this is my way of coping. It's not conventional, but at least it's sort of cheering everyone up since there's always food around. We'll see what happens next. I'm hoping very badly for some good news in the next few days.

I want my grandmother around to eat donuts and scones with me for awhile longer. That's not too much to ask, I don't think.

adventures in baking

You guys.

German chocolate cake.

My mom's really sweet friend (whose babies I watch all the time!) is a baker, and she mentioned that she loves German chocolate. For her birthday, I'm having my mom take along this cake to her work. It was a really fun cake to make, for anyone who's looking for new culinary experiments. I'd never made this type of frosting before, and this was actually my first try making cake from scratch. (Before that, I suppose I'd only done cookies, pies, scones and the occasional lemon bar! All of those are fun in their own ways, but the specific recipes I'd used for them didn't rely so heavily on getting the baking aspect right.)

Did you know there are about seven thousand ways to mess up a cake?

I only had one pan, so I baked a layer at a time. The first one slid out beautifully, and I felt a sense of great satisfaction at having managed such a smooth landing. This abruptly changed when I tried to flip the cake back over later for frosting. I'd put it on a plate too soon, and it had gradually melted--so a huge chunk ripped out of the top! I was furious--and angrily ate up the pieces that I couldn't salvage. Luckily, they were only crumbs. I was able to carefully re-position the broken pieces and cover them up with a little extra frosting. Nobody really has to know. ;)

The frosting was actually my favorite part to make. I was very curious to see how the ingredients were supposed to magically turn into a thick caramel icing, since my last couple of attempts at this had turned out less than stellar. Powdered sugar is hit or miss, it seems. This was a unique method, as it required cooking the ingredients in a saucepan until they thickened up. I had to taste it a few times just to make sure it was coming out right, of course. (To be extra certain, I dunked some of the crumbs deemed unworthy of being included in the cake into the icing. After all, every experimental baker knows that you have to get an idea of the full effect! That's what I tell myself, anyway.)

Maybe baking isn't for me after all--"you only wanted me to make you half a cake, hmmm?"

Is decorating the cake anyone else's favorite part? I'm always so anxious for the layers to cool so I can stack them up and have fun making them pretty. This icing was sort of difficult to keep smooth because of the coconut and pecan bits, but I have to admit that spreading frosting is calming in an odd sort of way. Maybe because it takes so much focus?

Anyway, I really hope my mom's friend likes the cake! At any rate, I'm sure her two little boys will! ;)

For anyone who is curious and would like to try, I used this recipe for the cake and this one for the frosting. I know--technically the cake recipe is not specifically for German chocolate, but it can be modified and is still quite delicious with the coconut pecan frosting.

Let me know if you decide to try it! Who else enjoys looking for new things to bake? Any masterpieces or disasters?

- Katie